i don't know...

i guess you could say



i'm quite shattered




aye. i know. i've been advised against this so many times and i keep doing this. I see the trap laid out and I just willingly walk into it. Again. and Again. And AGAIN.



i can't sleep





so what happened was tt kor came n asked abt the prev blog entry, then SUDDENLY rmbed to tell me tt he was playing soccer wit him just now. Thanks arh. Cannot tell me earlier one right. Then.. Just said stuff tt made me very.. BANGBOOMPOWSLAPWTFPOPBAMPOOM. Basically.. Kor feels tt it's all very one-sided. On my side.




sigh.. i know, i know.. i said it was more or less over. Girls are cheap, rmb? And i'm of the cheapest variety.




I know I need to move on. I feel very demeaned. But there's no way to move on unless there's someone new! And there isn't. It's all so impossible. The one(s) tt like me (or whatever they're trying to hide) are just... not my type... And the nice ones, they just won't lower their sights to my standard one. I'm simply not good enough!

My current guy friends are just tt -- friends. I'm just friends with most all of the males i know. And it's very obvious. And even if i like any one of them -- HELLO?? I seriously have no standard la. Dun tell me i deserve better. Tell that to the people who ARE better. Dun fucking boost my morale for nothing when I'm not what you think i am. Stop telling me fuck like "They should see the niceness in you" or "You're more desirable than *insertnameofhot/chio/popularwitguysgirlhere*, i don't understand why no guys like you"

FACE IT. I don't appeal to fucking guys tt way. I am
A) Physically unattractive
B) Passive/Aggressive
C) to sum it up - a lump of faeces.


Yah. Self-esteem is fuck. Confidence = sexy? My fucking ass. Confidence+physicallyattractive THEN = sexy. Not otherwise. I'm more aware of where I stand then any of you realise. So stop trying to comfort me with your meaningless words of praise. I know all about the art of euphemism - i know what your honeyed words belie. For every word of praise you shower, I know you mean I am lacking in every other department.


So what if i have good character?
So what if, according to some people(this was told to be by someone who overheard), I have a very attractive personality?
SO WHAT?

Who gives a fuck.







Yah. I'm pissed. Dead pissed. I dunno. Angry with myself. Angry. Rage does weird things to me sometimes. I may accept people I wouldn't under normal circumstances. I think I'll accept him. Even if I don't know him. I mean. I need an outlet. He's there. Whatever! Who fucking cares about how he'll feel? He'd be honored i even mentioned him in here. Fucker.


Sometimes I just wish I never broke wit zong. Then if we went on tgt, he could have made me happy, and I could have overlooked/changed whatever aspects of him tt i wasn't happy with. I was too immature to see that I guess. At least he's tall!!


Other times I wonder, why can't i just like my current guy friends? I mean, my two close(st) guy friends come into mind -- Arh Ben and Kor. I mean, I've mentioned several times how i think kor is really quite shuai etc. (he's sibeh haolian) But, for some reason, i just don't. Haha. I also dunno why.. I mean, the fact tt i even have to think about it..? As for Arh Ben, we'd cleared this issue between us LONG AGO. Donkey years ago! Haha. We just don't like each other that way. How sad right. Coz arh ben is such a nice guy, any girl would be lucky to have you as boyfriend! I mean, seriously, arh ben is fucking nice. Nice nice nice nice nice! I know i can always always always count on him. I can msg him ANYTIME and he'll not be offended. He will always have time for me. Y'know, just perfect boyfriend material. But aye. Say already. Dun like. Not tt way.


Other people I've so-called targetted - pui. Since when have i been serious abt anyone after melvin? I don't have the guts to anymore.




I just want someone who loves me, whom i love (duh), whom I can msg to report where I am everytime I go somewhere, someone I can shower gifts on, someone I can love!!

Fuck. I should stop daydreaming. Coz it's never gonna happen to a pile of shit like ME.



Maybe i can sleep now.