no no no, not now!

sigh. i'm too distracted. After bathing i read a book, went online, checked mail, read blogs etc. Wrote many testimonials. And I've come to a sad conclusion.


Oh but first up: Girls Out Loud -- Definitely NOT good enough for me to re-instate Monday nights as TV nights. Nip/Tuck may be nice, but not compelling enough for me, and I love Rozz but her co-host just doesn't cut it for me. Nice concept but a bit overdone yah.


So. My sad conclusion:

Some friends you love with all your heart - and they love you back the same
Some friends you don't love as much as you ought to -but they love you a heck of a lot
Some friends you love with all your heart - and you're one of many on their list.


I think only V will know who I'm talking about. And she herself knows too. I'm not pissed with you. Just sad. I love you a lot as a friend because you taught me self-worth, you are great company and (i thought) you enjoyed my company too plus love me as a friend. I guess I thought wrong.

It's like a constant fight to be in your favour if I even want to hang out with you. Even if we talked about this before, and you did endeavour to be less like this, the endeavour failed and we're back to square one. All the issues we brought up before, like the substitute issue, the pang-seh issue, the don't care issue. Maintaining a friendship with you is like trying to get a guy. It's like a friggin BGR. I've got to wait for you to come to me, and act like i don't care much for your company or sth. It's like, afraid that trying to reach out to you too much will earn myself the label "clingy".


Maybe tt's why we lost Lin. Because out of the 3 of us only I made the effort to keep in touch with her. Because out of the 3 of us, 2 of us saw her as a friend and only 1 of these 2 made the effort to maintain that friendship. That 1 person is me.

So now the 5 of us have been reduced to 2 - me and val. It shouldn't have been like this you know. It's nobody's fault but our own. We couldn't be bothered. And now we're just superficial friends. I don't know about you, but I think it's a waste.


You see that thing on the right? The small blurb about me? You need to EARN the right to call me CHER (ie the right to be my friend) but you can easily lose it. The "you" here is in general.



Maybe i'm only writing this coz I miss you so much. But it sucks that everytime you come to find me it's because you need help with something. ONLY because you need help with something. Sure, you'll come on special occasions too, like birthdays and concerts and competitions etc. And i won't deny you've helped me a lot with schoolwork. But the meetups we had without val, those where you needed to talk? After awhile, or actually, upon reflection, I know that if you hadn't gotten to know X through Val, we wouldn't have met up so often. If X were just some other person in your life, I wonder if I'd have gotten to know about it at all. Your list is like the stock market and I never tried fighting to get higher on that list. Because I know there's no point.



And i know you don't miss me at all.