ssshhh..

was wondering whether or not to open up a new (private) blog to talk abt what i feel now but.. dun think there's a use.

i've realised i've finally achieved d ability to not care what ppl think about me at all. What those nonsense people think, I mean. There are more than enough people like them in the world, i just treat them as yet another bunch of parasites.

Anw, that's not what I wanted to talk about

Anyone who knows me really well will know my main problem with bgr now. My philosophy, you might call it. I dunno if it's a by-product of the whole melvin thing, but I know I have a very strong auto-defense mechanism when it comes to affairs of the heart.

Simply put, I just don't want to get hurt anymore

Therefore, i have barriers surrounding my heart, gates that leap up at the slightest sign of trouble, shutting my heart out from external influence. This makes it impossible for me to really like someone unless I feel more or less ready to. Which has resulted in many many fleeting crushes over the past 2-3 years already. Apart from melvin, I really didn't focus my attention on any ONE person, and true enough, I didn't get hurt.

What actually happens is that in a typical social setting (work, school etc), I'll probably have my "crush" or "eye-candy" or "target" or whatever and do nothing whatsoever about it. If it happens that I get to know this particular person/these people, I either become just very good friends with them (to the extent that it's impossible b/w us) or I start becoming very dao and ignore them completely, creating a divide that's impossible to cross. Maybe it stems from awkwardness or uneasiness, but this is something I do on auto-gear already.

However, if nothing happens for us to become close or what, I'll just move on to the next "target" with commendable ease. This "fleeting fleeting" thing is uber convenient - prevents me from
getting hurt at all, and absolves me of all responsibility regarding that other person. Of course, there'll be a part of me that becomes very empty after awhile from all this, but hey, you have to agree it's better than getting your heart ripped into pieces over and over again.

Aaanyways, my point in bringing that up is coz recently, I've been persuaded to break out of my cycle and actually let down some barriers. Persuasive friends with good-intentions, they've managed to get me to let my guard down - though not completely. To be honest, I'm still guarding my feelings like a dog would its master. Though I've conceded some things lately, some other facts cannot be denied - all my personal problems (about my self-image, about security etc) that have dogged me till now are persistent baggage that can't be flung away. The thing is that, the more I reveal, the more I feel vulnerable. It's like, if I admit to things, I can't take that admission back. So I have to be very careful what I admit to. You have to agree it puts me in a super vulnerable position if I agree/admit to anything.


Maybe it's this desire for security that makes us passive. We're all afraid of being on the losing end, so we'll never concede or stuff like that.

The thing is, I'm wondering if I've already let my guard down too much.

Maybe I shouldn't even have paused to watch. I shouldn't even have invested anything more than just a fleeting interest. Coz I have a feeling I'm about to get hurt again.


Prevention is better than cure - i'm gonna nip this whole thing in the bud. Save myself the only way I know how.



I've got to get out of here