friends...

yea yea

it's been uber long

sorry k!


anw, be prepared for a long blog entry. it's stuff that's been couped up in me for quite long..

so first up

my friendster horoscope readings have been super accurate of late. i'm not personally a big fan of horoscopes (sorry suyee and evy) mainly because of my religion and my belief that not everyone born on the same day is gonna have like the same character or same misfortunes befall them etc. I don't know if it works like that, but it sounds altogether woolly to me.. Most of the time, accurate readings are just coincidences in my opinion, and a lot of the times when we read horoscopes, we're just looking for places in our lives to slot the prediction in, so it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, kinda.


aaanws.. funnily enough the coincidences kept accumulating on my friendster horoscope readings until today's one gave me the impetus to finally get off my arse and blog about what i've wanted to blog abt for vvv long. Here it is:

Friendster Horoscope for July 22, 2007

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)[?]

The Bottom Line

If someone lost the respect you had given to them, give them a second chance.

In Detail

Has someone let you down? It happens from time to time, so don't let it ruin a relationship. They made a mistake, they fell short of your expectations, and they may have even lost some of the respect you've given them. It's important for you to let them earn it back -- don't give them a test or a task, but give them a second chance. You might be a bit more wary next time, but you need to keep an open mind. You have been where they are, you know how hard it can be.

Yep. So based on this horoscope thing... And based on some stuff from my previous entry, I'm gonna make a proclamation here:

If your name was left out the last entry, and you feel unjustified, come talk to me


If your name was left out the last entry, and you KNOW you have spoken behind my back abt me before, and still wanna be friends with me, come talk to me, honestly and openly.


If your name was left out the last entry, and you hide behind others or just talk behind my back somemore, asking people if i'm ok, if i'm mad, etc, you know i can never trust you again.

Sure my horoscope thingy said i should just give those ppl a second chance, and perhaps it meant unconditionally, but i will do so for people i feel deserve it. Who deserves it? People whom I feel are sincere. People who know what I value in a friend, and manifest these values.

Here goes: WHAT I VALUE IN A FRIEND

THE MOST IMPORTANT QUALITY: honesty!!

I cannot stress enough just how important this is to me. I want my friends to understand that all I want from them is honesty. I want you to tell me to my face if something i'm doing irritates you. Don't fucking be "afraid" of me or of how I will feel. I assure you I will feel ten times worse or hundred times angrier if i had to hear from other sources. And trust me. Paper cannot wrap fire. (y'know, translate to chinese) I have enough sources to ensure that I hear everything my friends say about me. So trust that whatever you say abt me will eventually get to me. Trust that once you say something abt me behind my back, I will definitely hear it. And when that happens, you're gonna have a very pissed Cherlynn on your hands.

I also understand that you might be afraid of hurting my feelings. But when I turn up looking like a fugly piece of shit, a slutty ass hooker or just like a fat pig, you could simply go "Cherlynn!! Why do u look like shit today!" and I will know immediately that it doesn't sit well with you, but I won't take offence coz i can immediately defend myself. If you decided to say "What the hell is Cherlynn wearing today?" to another friend instead, don't you see that you're denying me the chance to explain my choices? It applies for almost all situations. I'd rather you be direct than tactful.

Being honest with me can also ensure that I don't do whatever it is that irks you again. Or at least, not too many times. Trust me, I may look like i enjoy torturing others, but when a well-intentioned friend tells me something I do makes her upset, I will definitely try to cut down on it. And don't fucking wait until I ASK FOR IT. It makes me damn angry to have to ask about it then hear you suddenly spill out all the shit that you were upset about all of a sudden. It can be super demoralizing.

You also have to be honest with your compliments. When you think i've done something well or right, pls do let me know, if not i'll go around wondering if i ever did the right thing. If you're a close friend of mine you'll know how intense my self-doubt can get. People like val and tong should know. I really really am not the happy confident and secure person i seem to be on the surface. But then again, why should I let the rest of you know that? Argh. Whatever it is, just be honest, ppl.

Friends who have perfected the art of HONESTY: Val and Ann. No secrets. I love you darlings.


The next quality: EQUALITY

It's important to me that my friends see me as at least equal to them, and not beneath them. I.e. if I'm lousier than u in say, fashion sense or figure or what, I may be better than you in i dunno piano or sth. It's just, I need to know that my friends don't despise me, and recently a certain close friend of mine has come very close to making me feel that way. I think she knows who she is la.

I don't need worshippers or supporters or what. I need people who see me as equal. On an intellectual level, at least. I don't care if you think i'm uglier than you, as long as you see that I'm, I dunno, just y'know, not some underling, someone you only deign to talk to.

People who have mastered the art of EQUALITY: Siying, Edna, Val, Ann, Shui. When i can remember more of you i'll update ok.

Next important quality: CONCERN&COMPLIMENT

I think this quality makes me sound like some despo AA shit, but I need my friends to care. To compliment when the time is right. To give me moral support sometimes. I know this contradicts some point i said up there, but it's different. I may be "the strong one" or the one who "takes good care of people around (me)" [i quote LTA] but sometimes I really need a break. Sometimes I really wanna stop being there for my friends and be there for myself instead. I wish I had more friends who could be strong for me, whom I could complain all day long to. But as a lot of you should know by now, most of the time i keep my problems to myself. I'll drop hints but that's about it. I know it makes some of you upset [sorry val] but I dunno why I act like such a saint sometimes. I don't have to. I don't need to.

I need my friends to have this quality so that i can get the self-validation i need to tell myself that i'm not a worthless piece of shit. You'll be surprised how often i need to tell myself that. I'm saying this only coz my blog has had quite some new readers in recent months.. People who might not be as close to me as the older readers are.. So to these people it may seem as though y'know, i'm strong, i'm er, good-natured? But the long-time readers will know how often i lament about stuff.. Y'know.. Haha. Kinda like what i'm doing now..

Anyways.. I dunno if you get the point but yea.

Friends who have achieved the quality of C&C: Val, Arh Ben, Ann, Siying, Rahrah

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Yea that was about all the qualities. Now a section dedicated to very special friends
in not particular order:

VAL------------------------

You guys should have noticed that she has achieved roughly almost every quality i find necessary in a good friend. So props to her for that. She is also the one person who understands me best, really able to read what I'm thinking, knowing what i'm truly implying when I say things etc. It's really awesome when I say something and val goes "yah i know you just want us to say you're smart right!?" hahaha. It's really rewarding, and funny and all~

Not to mention that val represents the last vestige of a link to my favourite people in the world awhile back. My NJ Pretties. I love(d) you guys so so so much y'know, because of all our shared internal jokes, all our shared memories, our outings, our fun times, our mugging sessions (that were never really productive) our unity, our camaraderie... I seriously miss them a lot (gawd i need to stop crying). A whole world of shared internal jokes, shared languages was all lost when we lost contact, it's taking me all I can to not let it show how much this hurts me. And val and I see v little of each other nowadays too! And whenever, in conversations nowadays, certain keywords pop up and I'm reminded of another internal joke, I laugh to myself, barely containing my mirth, but I sigh inwardly at the lack of hysteria it should have been had I heard that word with my nj clique.

Y'know, j&v were so important to me that for a very long period of time my ATM card PIN was 522825 - it spells jacval on a keypad.

Whatever it is, thanks val, for your overwhelming concern, your support, love and all. And also the honesty etc. I really really really appreciate all of it. *huggs*


ANN---------------------------

Though I haven't known Ann for very long, this girl has been such a great friend. Siying described Ann as a very giving person, and I have to say, that is a super accurate description that rounds up Ann very nicely. Ann has been a lovely friend to have. She has, for example, told me about what she heard people say abt me and advise me on what to do and what not to do. She never fails to compliment my choice of clothing when she finds it pleasing. She will also mention when certain faux pas we make catch her attention. On top of having fulfilled all my prerequisites for a good friend, she's ultra generous to boot and great to talk to. She used to drive me to my tuition kid's place and we'd sit in the car and chat for what seems like ages before I go for tuition.

I shan't say more because we haven't had a LOOONG history or what, but I truly appreciate this friendship darling. <3


SIYING----------------------------

This babe doesn't have many girlfriends and I feel it's probably coz she's just so freaking all-rounded that it can almost suffocate you if you're the easily jealous sort. Thankfully, I'm used to having that kinda friend so I survive pretty easily around xyz. What I meant was that xyz is just too perfect and attracts guys like bees to honey. Girls will naturally feel threatened and this, I feel, is a large factor contributing to her dismal lack of female friends. Not that she hasn't any.. Just that her male friends vastly outnumber her female friends. The ratio is what, 100guys to 1 girl? Haha. J/k...

Thing is, when you're friends with siying, you don't feel that she's superior or anything. She treats her friends equally and cares for every one of us. She is also super dependable and funny =) Lol. I remember a period of time in sec school when she was my favourite person to hang out with.. We had so much fun embarassing ourselves in school, in public etc. It was awesome. I really appreciate siying's concern for me, listening to my problems, and the fun times we have when we hang out together. Though I feel that i ought to feel inferior to her, oddly enough, I don't feel so, and that is really awesome. She treats her friends with respect, deals out praise where it is due, and she and I both agree that honest friends are hard to come by. Shopping with her is great, and we're so alike sometimes =)

Darling xyz. I'm really looking forward to hongkong =) I know it's just gonna be awesome=D Love LOTS


EDNA--------------------------

Though I ain't very very close to this babe, it's great to hang out and talk with her. Once again, I feel that she cares for me, treats me as a good friend, and is strongly supportive of me. She has sort of learnt how to be honest with me, which rock, imho, and I love it when we get together to talk =) I enjoyed shenzhen a LOT babe. I'm looking forward to endofyear hk wit xyz and you =D LOVELOVE

TONG----------------------------------

Though her name has been GLARINGLY absent from all the lists, I cannot fail to mention how great tong has been as a friend. I think 10 years has proven our friendship to be a strong one, and shamefully, I say, a lot of effort was due on her part. Though i know that she has spoken bad about me behind my back before, like siying said, she feels that "sitong is genuine towards (me)"... Deep in my heart of hearts I know it to be true... I cannot forget that despite all the trouble she has, she'd still go out and help me when I needed it. She has done a lot for me which I am touched by. The reason she was missing from so many lists is well, times are changing i suppose, and she has almost never fulfilled all the criteria i needed in a good friend.

Recently i was very troubled by things she's said and done, and i've dropped some pretty obvious hints on my blog. You'll notice how upfront she's been about it, with her tag "i'm a problematic friend huh?" and all. She was direct about it. When I mentioned my friendster horoscope to her, she said sth like "somehow i got a bad feeling" or sth. Unlike some other people whose names have miraculously dropped out of the list, she had the guts to ask me, because she knows me well enough to understand that all I want is honesty. Ask me about it, I won't shy away from you. I will answer you directly. All i expect is for you to do the same.

Tong - thanks for being a really, really REALLY great friend.


OTHERS--------------------------

I haven't the time and strength at the mo to mention everyone who's important to me and talk about it, but here are the people I really appreciate for their friendship to me:

Arh Ben (i know i keep leaving you out! sorry! but this wolf is so generous with his compliments, so supportive and concerned, you're truly a great friend arh ben<3)
Shui (my darling girl here cares so much for me. I feel truly blessed to have a friend like you dear. Must meetup soon)
Yarndink (again, new friend, but I can feel sincerity oozing out of your pores girl. I'm touched by your efforts to talk and all and also your support and concern. <3)
Many many many others who I am sorry but I can't dig out of my memory at this point! Pls feel free to scold me if your name isn't here!!

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On the off-note, congrats to Tong as the new VP of esprimere. I'm not sure to be happy for you or not coz I'm not sure if you're happy being VP or not. Nevertheless, I'm behind you all the way ok!


I have another pet peeve to blog about, but this blog entry has drawn enough blood. I'll talk to you guys soon , i promise! Alrighty ciao!