like i said..

this week is deff gonna be miserable..

had a really bad start to the week today.. i don't really wanna talk abt it..

i've realized sth abt myself.

when i'm upset about something, i will feel very very very very sad about it for awhile. then i'll try to look for ways to solve the problem or what.. when that has been tried and the prob still can't be solved, my brain will end up in a whirl. I'll feel very disheartened, but my whole brain is chanting "what can i do?" over and over.

at times like these, i always try to distract myself from the problem.. I turn to chocolates, books. movies, fiction, jokes, games etc.. Anything to take my mind off matters. i don't think any of my friends know this about me, not even val or tong or what. I almost never do recover from any of my sadnesses. when I'm sad about something, the logical, rational part of me knows that it isn't right/good to be sad about something for too long. so I'll shut off the sadness bit in me, and make sure i always remain cheerful, even if it is only superficial.. I don't do this very well though, coz my friends can almost always tell when i'm upset. i say almost.

so what happens when i'm sad? i'll go to youtube, or gamershood, or just plain go to sleep. if I do need to talk to someone about it, if i feel the problem is talk-able, then i'll find someone to talk to about it. but mostly i leave my friends alone... i tend to just avoid talking about the issue altogether coz it just brings up unnecessary pain. i like to leave my pain and troubles alone. I'm not sure if you guys have realized this but whenever it comes to sad stuff, I can never talk about it. I never talk about my sad stuff to people - like why i'm sad about something, or what made me sad or what.

i don't think my friends can handle me being sad. I'm not sure if I can handle being sad. so all the time I just put on a front, but the latent sadness just keeps growing. Until recently i've discovered that all the Ellen stand-ups and Whose Line comedies can't push away the sadness anymore.



I'm sad. I really am.

And at times like these, my only friend is Kleenex.