reformed..!

hey people =) be prepared for a verrryyy looooong thought-blog entry today =)

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I recently went through a very serious renewal of faith that gave me another new outlook on life and how I was living it.

Before this incident, I thought I was alright as it was. I followed (haphazardly) the laws of the Lord, trying my best not to speak ill of others, not to bear hostile feelings towards people. While I kept to it, managing to not speak ill of 95% of the people I knew, there were still cases where I lapsed and bitched about people.. At the time I thought it could be condoned, it was alright to speak ill of these people because to me they deserved it.

I tried my best to give these people the benefit of the doubt etc, but there really came some times when I just couldn't because to me, what they did was utterly unpardonable. Whatever it was though, I never spoke ill of people that did me no harm... I was only incensed to bitch about people who were really testing my patience.. Apart from these people (very select few, lol.. you guys know roughly who la..) I kept my mouth to myself (to coin a phrase) and really didn't speak bad abt anyone. I removed myself so much that I couldn't really be bothered to speak badly of them la. In fact my first impression of people (after getting to know them) is usually that they are nice/good etc.. [ and some of my friends find me naive for that haha ]

Recent events were making me really upset about certain people... I felt utterly betrayed and all but anyways, that's all over. The point is, at a time when I felt very insecure and all, I just happened to pick up this book at Popular while shopping for assessment books for my tuition kids.. It's titled 32 True Stories of Ghosts Spirits & Gods by Andrew Tan... Given my liking for material based on supernatural happenings, this book drew me to it inexplicably. I read the synopsis (?) and was so intrigued by it that I brought it with me all the way to the cashier, having no intention to buy it at all.

I'm not the kind to buy this kind of books (compilation) coz they don't have a lot of re-read value so I was planning to ditch it before it was my turn to pay. Suddenly, however, this guy in front of me in the queue turned around and asked me if I had the Popular card. I said no, and expected him to leave me alone. Super surprisingly, he said he had one and told me to use his after he had paid. I was really stunned so I didn't respond, I just looked shocked with my mouth slightly ajar. Then he was like, "do you understand what I mean?" and I was all like (stammering) "Er er... y..yes... b..but... er, WHY???"

Lol. I practically screamed WHY at him, with my eyes open as big as they could lol. Kinda a frightening image haha. But anw, he just said, no lah just helping etc. Some kinda weird answer but sounded alright so I accepted his offer.. For a moment i thought I was on Gotcha! (I'm kinda paranoid that way) but he paid, then passed me his card, then i paid and he waited while i was paying, then i returned his card..

Anyway, the point of this whole story is, after he offered to lend me his card right, this small voice in my head was like, "Since you're going to get a discount, why not just buy the book? It'll be super worth it y'know. After the 20% discount the book is only $15! Not bad! Buy la" So yea I ended up buying the book.

While I wouldn't call this incident Divine Intervention, I'm gonna say it was pretty close to that. Whatever it is, I started reading the book. The tales were really chilling, especially those of the Pontianak stories. I started becoming really afraid coz of how realistic the stories were and how it seemed that everything around me was liable to land me into a case of possession or something to that extent. I was super afraid and after about 10 tales I gave up and refused to continue reading anymore stories. The author, however, had a very reassuring tone of voice. He kept saying how it was important not to have fear of the otherworldly beings and to have a strong faith and how a strong aura can help prevent possessions etc.. Then i started to get even more creeped out coz I was freaking SCARED then I was like "SHIT! I'm scared!! My aura is weak!!" Wahahahahah a bit silly arh! haha

So anws I decided immediately to go and read the back where he had a few articles about "What is an aura" and "How to prevent possessions" and "What is a ghost/spirit?" etc... Reading it gave me a HUGE reassurance. Also, a story about his encounter with a pontianak also helped in guiding me towards this new outlook I have. In the story, a pontianak was clawing at his door so he started meditating, filling his head with thoughts of LOVE for the pontianak, because he understood that it was just a tortured soul looking for revenge after a horrific death.. And though the pontianak didn't completely go away (it still lurked by his house)it cldn't harm him or his family because of the love that protected them.

A combination of this and a lot of other stories made me realize just how powerful LOVE is. It's not romantic love or sexual love. It's the LOVE that God has for us. It's the compassion for all living beings regardless of who they are or what they look like, smell like, say or do. This revelation dispelled all my fears at once. I was so repentant all of a sudden, that in that instant I saw what I had been doing wrong. In not speaking ill of others, I was simply holding my tongue, justifying what others had done so that I could forgive them. However, the way the Lord wants it, the way Jesus did for us, was totally different. He loved us regardless of all our sins, regardless of what we did or did not do. THIS is the love that is all-powerful. This love can make one become so much better a person. And it is this love, that made the Lord die on the cross for our sins, even those who turned their backs on him, who betrayed him.

And when I thought about Jesus dying to save the souls of even Judas Iscariot, the betrayer, I felt so ashamed. Here I was being all troubled and upset about people betraying me and not wanting to have anything to do with them when Christ Himself embraced them and died for them (in such a horrific manner) so that the Lord would forgive them and redeem their souls. I was suddenly moved to tears all over again by the Crucifixion. I felt so unworthy of Christ's love again, but He has given me another chance again. By showing me what LOVE could do, Christ showed me that all I needed was to Love these people, Love all my friends and family. Love all those I 'hate'. Love the people who harm be, betray me, upset me etc. Wish them well sincerely. This is true generosity of spirit.

Immediately after reading those articles and having this revelation, I prayed to the Lord, asking Him to constantly remind me of the selfless, all-encompassing Love that I had found. And ever since then, Life has been very different for me. Buoyed by this Love, I've been seeing many things in a new light. Gone is my resentment and doubt. Whenever I feel resentful against someone, God steps in and fills me with love, and with some difficulty, I find the space in my heart to overlook everything the person has done and love that person well.

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It's a good life i'm living now =) All that said, I hope that you guys won't speak ill of anyone to me le ok? It will be a temptation haha and I wanna steer clear of that. Though I'm quite sure I'll be pretty safe, I still don't really wanna hear mean things about people, alrighty?

(oh dear, suddenly lost track of what I wanted to blog abt... chatting wit tong now.. hehe)

OH YAH haha. Ok anyways. LOVE, people LOVE... That's gonna be my new mantra (tong chk dictionary if you dunno what mantra is! =P)

I know I left out something but nevermind, i'm gonna continue with the blogging first.. So anyways, it's the season for reunions and catching up with old friends and all and I've realized that I've a group of friends, whom whenever I think about them, my whole heart is just filled with love and joy. I really really love these friends of mine and here's a list of these very special people!

1) Shui!! =)
2) NINGRU!!
3) Zhijia!!
4) ANN!!!

Ehs, haha that's the group for now, coz I can't recall who else. Anyways, whenever I'm contacted by/talking to any one of them, I'm always so overwhelmed with joy and love =) I think these people truly bring out the best in me. In case you guys dunno who they are (coz their names don't appear so often on the blog) here's just a briefie on them. Shui you should all be familiar with =) Tuition de... Became super close! Love her to bits!! Ningru you all not so familiar with.. Knew her from MEP at ACSI =) Didn't become very very very close but still good buddies =) Ended up going to NJ tgt!! YAY! Zhijia also not a familiar name - she was my colleague at the-school-i-used-to-teach-at.. Heh. Again, not v close in terms of disclosing info (though she does know some stuff =)) but still good friends with the best intentions =) And finally, you guys should all know ANN!!! UB BESTIE!!! I LOVE YOU ANN =) Ann and I communicate v well, in my opinion. Heh. I really really love how we work at our friendship and really look out for each other and trust each other. Really love you to bits darling =)

However, we cannot forget some of the most important people to me... While these people don't elicit a well of emotions in me, they are still some of my dearest and most trusted friends! Here they go:

Val,ArhBen,Tong,Siyingzi,Edna,Mich,Eunice,Yarndink,Linz,BINANA, KOR etc!

So many more important people in my life like liwen,psychotic(helpful),evy,maddie,elves,reeeeenana, and aiyoh so many more i can't rmb! I truly truly love all of you all so so so so much =) Thanks for being such great friends!

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Xmas this year has been very meaningful for me. I used to do christmas shopping a bit too flippantly... Kinda like, who to buy things for? Ok anyhow get some toiletries or stuff can le. This year's been really different. I've found such pleasure in shopping for particular people with ideas in mind=) I like my gifts for people this year. Heh. Big bomb that left a huge gaping whole in my pocket but hey, it's Christmas =) *sings* Jesus Christ is comingggg to tooowwwnnn! Hahas

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Today was tong's performance thingy at muchuan =) She dedicated a song to me and made me cry ='( Here are the lyrics:

第一次见面看你不太顺眼
谁知道后来关系那么密切
我们一个像夏天一个像秋天
却总能把冬天变成了春天

你拖我离开一场爱的风雪
我背你逃出一次梦的断裂
遇见一个人然后生命全改变
原来不是恋爱才有的情节

如果不是你 我不会相信
朋友比情人还死心塌地
就算我忙恋爱
把你冷冻结冰
你也不会恨我
只是骂我几句

如果不是你 我不会确定
朋友比情人更懂得倾听
我的弦外之音
我的有口无心
我离不开Darling更离不开你

你了解我所有得意的东西
才常泼我冷水怕我忘形
你知道我所有丢脸的事情
却为我的美好形象保密


My gawd it's like the story of our friendship la! Hehes. I was v touched =) Title of the song is 一个像夏天一个像秋天... I love it =D

Tong and I have been friends vvvv looong.. Been through many quarrels, many changes of character and lifestyle... Stuck through all of it =) Though sometimes tong makes me feel doubtful or hurt (she's tactless one la haha)... I can still feel how important she views me as a friend... Sometimes when I hear about her talking about me behind my back, I feel v hurt, but it all washes away because I know in the end, she'll be there for me just like I will be there for her! I understand the importance of our friendship to her and just like the song, sometimes I scold her for doing some things wrong... But that will be it and bygones will be bygones =)

What I really wanna say to you (tong) is that you've come a long way (time to use simple english here.. hehe) and I'm very very proud of you =) You've achieved what you've always wanted and I am so so happy for you. And I'm very sure you'll do well and become very successful =) Be more confident and sure of yourself. Love yourself (not too much) and keep improving! Like the song said, "你了解我所有得意的东西, 才常泼我冷水怕我忘形".. Hope you understand why sometimes I'm not very very fully in support of your events or what, but i'm sure you know that's coz I need to be the one thinking of the worst case scenario for you just in case! =)

I remember once on our way to dinner/supper in gary's lorry, and we were enjoying the wind and laughing and screaming along the roads, I was like "就是这种感觉嘛。。 朋友就是这样。。" and you wholeheartedly agreed. But quietly agreed. You don't say much, but you say enough =)

我是夏天， 你是秋天， 但我们过的每一天都是春天！

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Merry Christmas Folks! And God bless y'all =) LOVE