never love again...

used to be that i believed in something
used to be that i believed in love
it's been a long time since i've had that feeling
- i could love someone
i could trust someone

i said i'd never let nobody near my heart again, darling
i said i'd never let nobody in

-- If You Asked Me To by Celine Dion

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Sometimes I think i'm sadistic. I like to torture myself. Knowing fully well that slow soppy love songs drive me nuts, I pulled about 45 of the slow songs from my hard drive together and played them. Sigh.

But I swear guys, this will be the last time i cry for him. I haven't cried for/about him in 3 years, and I'm not even exactly crying about him now. It's just that I've realised that right now, I'm really incapable of loving anyone. It's not that I suddenly need to love someone.. It's just that when I think about the whole lot of people in my life(i mean the guys) since him, I've really never been able to invest much emotion. It's like I told him(and almost everyone else), that I've built a wall around myself/my heart. There's an emotional barrier that I refuse to let down, simply because everytime I let my guard down, I just get hurt again.

I know I think too much, but really, I'm very upset at my inability to love anyone like I've loved him. It sounds so silly, I know. And it's not like I even love him anymore. It's like I'm stuck in limbo! On the one hand, I'm not moving forward with anyone else because of one emotional barrier, and on the other, I refuse to let myself fall into the trap that is him. Does anyone else see/understand my position now? I cannot go back to the past! I cannot love him again! But I cannot love anyone else like I did w.r.t. him! Because I'm simply incapable of feeling so strongly for anyone again.

Sigh. Cherlynn is thinking too much as usual.

Have you ever been in love?
You could touch the moonlight
When your heart is shooting stars
You holding heaven in your arms
Have you ever been so loved?

Have you ever walked on air?
Ever felt like you were dreaming?
When you never thought it could
But it really feels that good
Have you ever been so loved?

Have you ever been in love?
You could touch the moonlight
When your heart is shooting stars
You holding heaven in your arms
Have you ever been in love, have you?

The time I spent waiting for something
That was heaven-sent
When you find it don't let go
I know.

-Have you ever been in love by Celine Dion
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Celine Dion sings straight to my heart.


I remember one period of time, I wanted to write about love. About how love is only portrayed as Great and Strong etc if the people involved had to suffer etc. Like, "Star-Crossed Lovers" or people who'd had to overcome many thousand trillions of obstacles to be together were the only ones who'd be considered to have Great Love for each other.

And I'd wanted to write about how I thought it'd be nice to experience Great Love. And write about how I'd actually experienced it already. Where mine is the type where the characters don't end up together. Where I'd already suffered a lot and there was already enough pain etc. The ending was gonna be like, I'd decide that a simple love story would be enough.

I still think a simple love story would be enough, but it's got to be LOVE. Not just a (like i'd mentioned earlier) "spur-of-the-moment, this-one-will-do" decision. And I realise that that's what i'm doing now. I'm making do, compromising etc.

Anyways, if i ever get involved romantically again, I'll want it to be simple, direct, no playing games(mind games etc), no hints, no indirect methods of expressing .. stuff.. Simple and direct.

Sigh. I guess it will never happen. EMBRACE SINGLEHOOD CHERLYNN!! You're gonna have to live with it for a looooooooooong time yet.
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So the past 2 days were ok... Friday was spent re-arranging tuition timings, eventually cancelling altogether, to attend my brother's birthday dinner at Sakura in Town. Bought out new IPods.. Hah. I kept telling my parents I didn't want it until I realised we were getting the Fifth Generation IPod with video display and photo display functions. Haha. So naturally I said YES! Haha. I don't have a pic of it to show y'all but you guys can go check out the webby. As far as I know, it's just called the Fifth Generation Ipod thingy.. And out of the three models in the pic it's the tallest. It's not nano. I dunno what it is lol. But another 30 gig of memory space is good! Hee.

Then spent today and ytd trying to config my Ipod. Damn pissed with Apple at forcing people to use their programs to config their devices and synchronise everything so that you can only play files that their devices support etc. Stupid shit. Got me cursing and swearing the whole day. Then went down to AMK for MICH's BIRTHDAY!!! Hehe. Hope you had a great day darling =) You have a great boyfriend.

SILAS AND TONG. YOU ALL BETTER GO GET A ROOM AND DO YOUR HANKY PANKY THERE! Haha. Sensitive single people like me cannot stand your antics. Worse than PDA. You all just really go get a room la. Wah liew eh. Stupid mich,ja,tong,silas,eu and gas. Can imagine at the party nx Fri, I'm gonna have to intro them to my parents:

ME: Mom, Dad, This is Michelle and her boyfriend JianAn
(mom and dad say nicefake stuff)
ME: And this is Sitong and her boyfriend Silas
(mom and dad say nicefake stuff again with stupid smiles)
ME: And this is Eunice and her boyfriend Gas
MomandDad: Ok, so where is your boyfriend?


My goodness. Sigh. My parents are totally dying to marry me off already! I can't believe it la. As i've told many of you, I've felt the pressure to get attached since Sec 3!!! Like, once I got into JC and officially knew guys, they've been dying for me to bring some guy back la! Wah liao. Sorry mom and dad, but I've got to let you down. Your very incompetent daughter here may end up at a monastery instead of walking down the aisle in a white gown.

Haha thank goodness they've managed to keep it down recently.. Only val and tong have seen my parents' desire for me to get attached la. Whew. The Party, though, will be a different thing altogether haha. They are definitely going to say something, since so many of the guests will be bringing their partners. I think my dad is gonna start interrogating some people la. Better tell arh ben to be careful wahahahahah. Arh Ben! If the pressure gets too bad I'll use you to fob off my parents K! Wahahaha. Ok la i won't la. We see how.

Anws, sigh. I'm gonna be a generous soul here and congratulate all the happy soppy couples in the world. Really happy for you guys. Just try to spare a thought for the sad depressed lonely souls here k! Haha.
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I don't wish to anticipate the future anymore.