too many choices

so i was talking to val


and i've realized that what i've always used to envy of chio, hot, attractive, popular girls? Doesn't cut it for me anymore. It's quite taxing having to deal with people's emotions, not wanting to hurt them, but not wanting to give unnecessary hope.

i realized that i've come to wish for the good ol' days when there was only one guy in my life. hahas. i won't mention the specific number now but there are significantly more, and that really sucks. Because i have vested emotion in none of them. Honestly. I don't like any single one of them particularly more than the others. That really sucks. Coz if there were any one of them who were particularly more significant, it'd make everything much easier.

Oh btw. I've realized that I'm really quite pissed off with theoneeveryonehasbeeninterrogating. Yea. Irritated. I want(ed) to try, really I did/do. But the more you guys interrogate, the more you guys find out, the more incongruous everything gets and the more turned-off i am. As I'd already mentioned, I don't want anyone to like me because he thinks I like him. I'm sorry but I'm selfish like that. And anw, I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me. He's just making an effort - for what i dunno. So what if a lot of ppl approve of him? So what if (i quote two friends) he's "nice n handsome n funny n mixes well wit ur friends" or "very tall ma. quite cute. funny. approved!"? Some ppl think he's too arrogant anw. ARGH. Internal war. As for what I think -- I don't like what he thinks of me. That is what is really getting on my nerves. (PS: I didn't ask those 2 ppl for their opinions. they told me. LOL Ok ok they told me he's good/approved/whatever and i asked why.)

The other ppl I shan't mention. It's like, I cut myself off from investing any emotion in any one of them quite early on to protect myself, but now -- argh! It's like, they're all my once-targets and all very minor cases (just like how ts was) so i can't say zero emotion was involved, but maybe like, 1% emotion involved la. Maybe some a bit more than others.

Not like there's a choice to make, but I just feel that because of this, I will owe some of them explanations or i dunno. Sth! I just feel guilty or sth like when I go clubbing and dance wit other guys or sth like tt! Grrr.

The worst thing is - i don't foresee a future with ANY of them. It's like, i've been spending the past few days reading fics(fictionpress) and yea, I know i don't like any of them VERY much. Definitely not the way it was with melvin. Oh but of course that could be because I tend to avoid them and not talk to them much, so we don't get to know each other tt well lol.

Anyways, enough rambling on my part. Val said since I like none, I should choose none. Hahas. I dunno. I don't think there's a need to make a choice either. If I do, it might end up as another "zongyao" case again and seriously, i think it'd be morally wrong to do it again knowing fully well I'd be doing that.


I liked melvin for several reasons including:
a) he liked me first
b) he liked me despite all my physical shortcomings (more than i can say for some people)
c) i dunno. some of the things he said before will stay with me forever. that's all i can say

Basically, reason B easily translates to - he liked me for me. (he ever told me why he liked me k, and the reasons are not superficial - DUH, like there is anything superficial for him to like -__-")

And that is really really more than i can say for somebody.
(fat, ugly, tummy, single eyelid, OTT makeup - all these are part of ME. don't like it? fuck off!)


Don't worry. I don't like him(melvin) now for a truckload of reasons so no, i won't go back to liking him again.

Anyways, I haven't made my point. My point is that - I'm really lost. I really dunno how I feel. If you know me, you'll know that i'm super super super passive (well, it was different wit melvin) when it comes to this kinda stuff. SUPER. I fucking HATE taking the initiative. But i also don't like people (whom I don't like) being overly aggressive in their pursuit (case in point: *ahem* val y'know who la) But ZERO initiative? You can just go kill yourself.

Sorry guys, I just felt so much pent-up emotion i just had to let off some steam. It's Xmas Eve!! I'm gonna be meeting my darling people tml(later) - church in the morning, val(cheesecake!YUM!) fetching me then we hang out, then city hall max brenners wit my CAME babes and family(extended) dinner at night! Haha. Tong's bday today(2312) so HAPPY BIRTHDAY TONG! Hahas. I wanna meet my MESC too but I guess we already met at the party =) I miss hanging wit jac during xmas like we did last year but i guess that's ok.


Xmas is a very special time. By special, I mean weird. Coz you can be either really happy or really sad. And I'm drifting in between.




I need you.